Monday, August 10, 2009

My Birthday P.R.*

*for you non-runners or newbie runners, P.R. is runner speak for personal record

I typically love my birthday. LOVE. Love. Love. My birthday. This year, not so much. As the day approached, I had a solid mix of let’s pretend this isn’t happening and please let me wallow in my self-loathing & self-pity. I was not fun to be around. It all came to a head at about 9:30pm PT on my birthday-eve.

I was sitting on the couch in my Eyore state, when my text message alert chimed. It was a “happppppyyyyy birthday!!! I LOVE YOU!” text from my mamma. She, very sweetly and innocently, had stayed up until midnight to wish me a happy birthday. Something in the past, that would’ve made me smile, put on a tiara and deem myself a birthday princess. But, not this night. This night went something like this. My brain begins to register the text. On the east coast, it was now my birthday. On the east coast, I was now – thirty-ONE. No longer the mile marker of 30, I was now IN my THIRTIES. And, that’s when I broke. Heart wrenching, crocodile teared, gasping for breath, fetal position crying had commenced. I am thirty-ONE.

My husband was in the shower and totally unsuspecting that the birthday depression had moved to full breakdown. He knew I was in a delicate state, but it had turned epic with one text. Upon exiting the shower, he hears the sobs. He comes over to me. Hugs me. (I’ve tried to train him. No questions. No fixes. Hugs first. Then gently, gently begin to tiptoe towards asking questions. He did good.)

“What happened,” he asks trying hard to control the my wife has lost her mind tone in his voice. I respond with a high-pitched sequence of words, made completely unintelligible by the sobs between each one. I try again. “I’m thirteeee ONE (gasp for breath) on (hiccup) the (gasp for breath) east (sob) coast.” More crying. More hugging. I don’t’ see his face, but I’m pretty sure he’s trying not to laugh. Finally he says, (in the same voice your mom used when you woke up with a nightmare and she brought you a sip of water,) “why don’t you go take a shower. You’ll feel better.” I cried in the shower. I cried out of the shower. He hugged me again. And, I finally sob out “I just want to go for a run.” In that moment of my despair, the only thing that could possibly make me feel better was a run. It was 10:30pm. He sweetly asks, “Do you think you can wait for the morning.”

I couldn’t get out of the house fast enough the next morning. Headed to my favorite route, I started to run it out. I began to feel better as Alicia Keyes, Feist, and The Killers, helped me clear my head. And then, at mile 4 Matchbox Twenty pulled me out of my funk with “How Far We’ve Come.” Have I accomplished all that I want to in my life? No. Am I where I want to be? Not necessarily. “Oh Well. I guess we’re gonna find out. Let’s see how far we’ve come.” I smiled. I played the air drums. (No kidding. I really did.) I sang out loud. I didn’t care who was watching. This was my moment of clarity. I am where I am. I can either be disappointed by it, or accept it, and focus on what I have done and far I have come.

Mile 5 rocked.

I returned home ready to embrace my 31st birthday. My husband treated me with the best gift ever – a day of dessert. It was a 6-dessert day. My best dessert P.R.

Dessert #1 - Post-Brunch

Nutella and Bannana Waffle at Tart
you had me at nutella.

Dessert #2 - mid-afternoon snack
this was Buttermilk Cake with Chocolate Frosting - Joan's on Third
tasted like a slice of grandma's house. a cold glass of milk would have made it perfection.

Dessert # 3 - post dinner dessert
Red Velvet Ding-Dong - Aroma Cafe
good. sweet. heavens. a square of perfection. moist red velvet cake with a light, creamy frosting between layers, encased in solid milk chocolate.

Dessert #4, 5 & 6 - bedtime snack
Lemon Cupcake, Raspberry and Vanilla Cupcake, Chocolate Cupcake with Marshmallow Center - Joan's On Third
incredibly rich, but delicious cupcakes. so rich, we could only eat a couple of bites of each one. seth fell in love with the lemon cupcake.

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